ENG 302A sec. 2
Stop. Drop. Roll with it.
Burroway pg. 55
“I don’t normally dress this way, but see I was in a play a couple of hours ago. Unfortunately, I didn’t have anything to do with the writing of the play. See it was a class project, but I have the kind of voice that is really easy to get overheard. My Dad tells me it’s not that I’m quiet; it’s just the right frequency that makes it difficult for people to hear me. I think he may be lying though.
Anyways, that’s not the point, the point is that because of my voice I didn’t have any say on how this play thing went down. So by the time my classmates remembered I was in the play was about the time they needed someone to play a narwhal. They all thought that having a narwhal in the play might help with the comic relief. I’ll tell you why they needed comic relief, it’s because they suck at writing dialogue. In the between the “Oh heavens me!” and the “that pancake batter looks pretty lumpy to me!” they figured a narwhal might mix things up a little bit.
They were right about that one thing. Apparently a narwhal teaching you to stop, drop and roll was about the funniest thing we could have possibly done. I saw one person with tears just streaming from their eyes the third time I demonstrated how to stop, drop and roll in this ridiculous costume. Another little girl was laughing so hard that her face turned bubble gum pink. I’m not kidding you, as pink as a big old piece of Double Bubble. If that doesn’t give you a confidence booster then I don’t know what will.
There I was standing next to Susi in her cute little cocktail dress mixing pancakes on stage and Ashley – that’s her best friend – who was dressed like a French maid. I mean really, what’s a play without a sexy French maid, right? And Ashley, she’s got the best boobs in the whole 10th grade, so if anyone should be a sexy French maid, it should be her. I was thinking that there is no way I am drawing as much attention as they are. No way am I gonna get flowers after the show when people can just give them flowers. But then my line came up. So I waddled to the middle of the stage and did my little spiel about stopping, dropping and rolling. And I made the people so happy.
So you know what I thought after that? I decided that if I could make people that happy wearing this costume that maybe I shouldn’t take it off once the play was over. Cause making those people so happy felt that good. So that’s why I’m out here at a bookstore in my narwhal costume. I decided that Ashley could keep her boobs and Susi could make pancakes for as many people as she wanted. I decided I wanted to make people happy.”